Culprit
by ElectroGirlNoir
Summary: Gary the lion goes on a rampage, Vince gets the blame, Fossil's going to fire him... who does Howard trust...?


**Author's Note:** **Hey! I've got writer's block with Invisible again, so I thought I'd write another little fic (which is gonna need more chapters, ooops...) to get some ides flowing. The lyrics to '**_**Where are you going, Vince Noir?' **_**are almost done (it's very difficult, because I'm not Howard and am minus a guitar, but we're getting there! XD) and er, yeah. If anyone's got anything fairly short they want me to write, let me know! *puts on rogue jazz cell voice* I's up for a challenge! :D**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own the Mighty Boosh and Writer's Block has stolen anything remotely amusing I could have put here, the tea-leafin' little sod.**

**Warnings: Bob Fossil**

**Culprit**

'_Hello, people, if you don't wanna get eaten by the guy with the big hair an' all the teeth then don't stand around lookin' like a buffet! He's hungry folks; he didn't have time to go eat breakfast before he went bananas_!'

The sound of Fossil with a loudhailer and the roars and screams outside were swirling into one big ear-splitting crescendo. Vince watched from the safety of the zoo keeper's hut, his eyes wide blue pools of distress.

'I don't like it,' he said, turning to look at Howard, 'It's worse then when that llama went hoofin' everyone up the road, it's making my ears panic,'

'Vince,' Howard gave his best friend an uncharacteristic dose of eye contact, 'I'm not joking with you sir, get away from that window; it's not safe!'

Vince sighed and obeyed, 'If you'd just let me go out I could talk 'im out of it; if I don't e's gonna munch everyone down,'

'If you so much as open that door I will come at you like a peg. I'm on avian today and you're on seed distribution, we're not covering Mr Majestic out there,'

The lion had been on the rampage for at least an hour now. Everyone was running around shrieking and Fossil and Bainbridge were on top of a luxury 4X4 with a loudhailer.

'Pleeeeeeease!' Fossil wailed, flinging his arms around Bainbridge's waist, 'I don't wanna die, I have so much to give!' he took a Dictaphone from his pocket, 'Note to self: find something to give,'

Bainbridge shook Fossil free, and then surprisingly grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and yanked him forwards again to stop him from falling into the jaws of the waiting lion, 'Unhand me, fool!'

'Oh my Bainbridge, my honey pot pie! You're so strong! C'mon, bench-press me into the vehicle my love man-'

'What on high hosanna is wrong with you?' Bainbridge snapped, his voice booming through the loudhailer, 'Appease yourself or I will toss you from this automobile like hand baggage!'

In the hut, Vince watched the scene unfold from a safer distance.

'We ain't that safe in 'ere anyway,' he told Howard, 'If 'e comes over 'ere an' tries to get in, the hut'll crumble like a gingerbread house,'

'Yeah, thanks for that, Little Downbeat Pete,' Howard snapped, 'that's made me feel a whole lot better!'

'You've got to let me go out there,' Vince continued, 'I've got a way with animals, Mowgli in Flares, remember? I'm a gifted child,'

'Vince, I am not letting you go out into that carnage. What kind of friend would I be?'

'One that listens to 'is mate an' don't get munched down by Garry,'

'Garry?' Howard parroted.

'Yeah, Garry, I named 'im after Numan, he's really into him, 'e 'eard me singing one of his tracks on me way to check on Disco Mouse, an' 'e's been 'ooked ever since,'

Howard sighed, 'Well that's as may be, but I'm not letting you go out there,'

A small, soft smile flittered over Vince's lips, 'Is it cos you love me?' his eyes flicked up cheekily to meet with Howard's and the Northerner refused to meet his mischievous gaze.

'Shut your mouth,'

'Hey Howard, wait, I've got another idea!'

A few seconds later, the music of Gary Numan was blaring out of the hut window. Garry the lion immediately stopped trying to snack on a group of cornered zoo keepers and started dancing. He was instantly tranquilised.

'Wait!' Vince rushed out of the door, 'Don't 'urt 'im!'

Howard sighed and allowed an affectionate smile to brighten his face; only Vince could convert the entire animal population of a zoo to the music that was electro and then feel sorry for a lion that had been on a rampage since ten o'clock in the morning.

'_Hey, hello? Hello? Hello? Hello. Hello. Hello- He- Hello. __**HELLO!**_' Fossil's voice boomed, '_Don't just stand there and loaf! Get this thing outta here before he starts chewin' on people again!'_

Several green-clad zoo keepers scratched their heads and shuffled their feet uneasily.

'**Halt!**' Dixon Bainbridge bellowed without the need of a loudhailer. He strode from the van and paused, wincing, 'Shouldn't have done that.'

Vince looked up from the lion through his fringe as Bainbridge limped purposefully over to him, and then yelped as the bold, dark-haired man hauled him up by his wrist.

'I've found the culprit!' Dixon declared.

The team of zoo keepers looked both knackered and bemused.

Fossil fell from the 4X4 with a thud.

'Someone had to have let this beast free for it to run a riot through this zoo, and when I arrived early this morn, I saw this... _man_... loitering by the lion enclosure!'

There was a gasp of shock.

'I'm good!' Fossil called.

'Look, I dunno what you're on about- ow!' Vince twisted in Bainbridge's grip, towards Howard who looked poised to do something he was too afraid to do.

Vince kicked out, face flushed.

'Vince, I'm disappointed in you,' Fossil approached them, shaking his head, 'Your ass. In my office. Now. Oh, an' can someone get the freakin' growly teeth-box outta here!'

**XXX**

Later, the hectic and fast pace of the morning started to peter out into a more mellow midday.

'Fossil an' Bainbridge were naggin' on at me, sayin' rubbish, an' I didn't even do it, Howard, I swear on Jagger!'

Applying an icepack to Vince's swelling wrist, Howard noticed the angry tears in the smaller man's eyes and said softly, 'Don't get yourself all worked up, Little Man,'

Vince sighed heavily and shut his eyes.

'Hey,' Howard said gently, 'I wanted to punch him on the nose, if I'm honest,'

'Bainbridge?'

'Yeah,' Howard gave Vince an apologetic smile, 'I should have shouldn't I, stopped him from hurting you... I'm sorry, Vince,'

'No, I'm glad you didn't actually,' Vince told him. 'Fossil might've fired you,' he paused and frowned, 'you believe me, don't ya Howard?'

'Of course I do,' the jazz maverick replied, 'only question is, who really did it?'

Vince shrugged, 'I tried askin' Garry, but 'e went mental, started 'effin' an' blindin' and saying 'e didn't wanna talk to me...'

Howard frowned in thought.

'Howard?'

Howard gave a nod in response.

'It 'urts...'

'Well,' Howard sighed, 'You can move everything alright, can't you?' he removed the icepack so that Vince could wiggle his fingers and flex his wrist.

Vince gritted his teeth hard and nodded.

'I think it's just badly sprained...'

'_This is a staff announcement: Howard Moon, get your big ass in my office. Oh, and has anyone seen a pen? I can't write so good without one o' those things. I tried, but stuff got messy..._'

Howard stood up, grinding his jaw, shoulders back, 'If Bainbridge is in there with him, I'm goin' for 'im sir; I'll punch him on the nose like the shark he is,'

Vince actually had the feeling that Howard was serious, and they'd had enough trouble with 'Gideon Gate' as Vince liked to call it, what with the restraining order and everything, 'Don't, yeah?'

**XXX**

When Howard entered Fossil's office, the American was dancing on top of his desk with his shirt off. Music was playing loudly and first he swivelled his feet to the left and rubbed his right nipple with his left hand, then he swivelled his feet to the right and rubbed the left with his right hand. Then, he noticed Howard standing with his arms folded and turned the music off.

'Oh, huh, Moon. I forgot about you. Grab a seat, just sit anywhere; the floor, the ceiling, on a pretzel, my lap-'

'What do you want, Mr Fossil?'

'Huh? Oh, yeah, okay. Listen good, Moon, cos this is some serious talkin' coming from my round-hole, okay?'

Howard, un-amused, raised his eyebrows in recognition and narrowed his eyes.

'Okay, here it comes, Moon...' Fossil thrust his hips forward and Howard took another step back, '... I want you to keep your tiny brown peepholes on Vince,'

'What?' Howard frowned, 'You want me to watch Vince? Why?'

'Because I say so!'

'Please, Mr Fossil, surely you don't think Vince would set a lion loose? I know Vince, and he wouldn't do something like that... not on purpose... unless he wanted to dance with it to... Gary Numan...' A flash of realisation shot across Howard's face.

'Whatever, Moon, but what m'Bainbridge says goes: Vincey was near the enclosure, and then the teeth-box went on a trip to Loony City, okay? Make the connection- Vincey- teeth-box - Loony City- Vincey- teeth-box- Loony City- Vincey-'

'But... Vince said he didn't-'

'MOON! Getcha eyes on Vince! He could be swinging from the happy trees with the monkeys right now!'

'But-'

Fossil made the noise of a screaming ocelot.

Howard sighed and left.

Fossil took out his Dictaphone, 'Note to self: Howard Moon is from the loco-nut tree. That is why he is a loco-nut...'

**XXX**

'I can't believe you!' Vince exclaimed, his voice drifting out of the hut, 'After I swore on Jagger an' everythin'!'

'I'm sorry.' Howard apologised, 'It's just, I thought, maybe you might've had a little dance with him, and then...'

'And then what, 'e decided to express 'is love for Garry Numan by goin' mental?'

'I'm sorry,' Howard said again, 'It's Fossil, he put doubts into my head,'

'I'll be slappin' you in it in a minute!' Vince snapped back, 'You don't get it, do you; Fossil said 'e might 'ave me fired for something I didn't even do an' you're takin' sides with 'im!'

'Fired? You didn't tell me anything about him wanting to fire you earlier!'

'Well, 'e wants to give me the boot out, now you know!'

Howard's eyes darted around uneasily, 'He wouldn't do that... we're understaffed as it is, what with this morning,'

Vince suddenly sprang forward and clamped his hand over the taller man's mouth.

Howard pulled away like Vince's palm was made of fire, 'What you doing? Don't touch me!'

'Then shush up!' Vince snapped, moving to sit on the couch huffily, 'My 'ead's drummin'!'

**X**

'...Hey...' Howard said softly, later, when he heard sniffling coming for the sleeping bag next to him.

'Wot?' Vince's voice was muffled and cross.

'I'm sorry, I knew it wasn't you; Fossil was being a little doubt peddler,'

'Well it's not my fault that Fossil was bein' a doubt bitch,'

Howard chuckled, and the noise, soft and warm by Vince's ear made the younger man smile despite himself.

'We'll sort it out, won't we?' Vince whispered.

'Yeah,' Howard replied, 'you're not going anywhere, no matter what anyone says,'

'Is it cos you love me?' The mischief was audible.

'Go to sleep.'

Smiling, Vince shuffled closer and turned his head so that it was just lightly touching Howard's shoulder, and when the Northerner didn't protest, he closed his eyes and settled into sleep.

_I'm da moon._

_You know when... when you 'ave a dream, an' then you wake from da dream an' for a minute you think that ... that da dream was real?_

_Well, da other night, Jupiter was 'avin' a dream that he was in... You know Greggs da Baker?_

_Well 'e dreamed that 'e was in there, eating a cupcake, but when e' woke up 'e'd been eatin' a star an' was sick all over Mars!_

_It was flippin' 'illarious! _

_I'm da moon. _


End file.
